Within the past few months, I've had 2 friends suffer miscarriages. I look at my sweet little baby girl, and I often feel that I'm being insensitive by sharing about my baby... a little guilty. I think back to the early weeks of my pregnancy when we had a very serious scare that sent me to the ER for several hours and at my doctor's office for 3 appointments the following week. Then, still, it was wait and see for the next month...
I found out I was pregnant late July...very early. I was 4 weeks along (2 from the whole time of conception... it's so strange how they time stamp these things). I was ecstatic! We had been trying for a couple of months, so to look down and see those two lines was a little surreal. It was finally the result I'd been waiting for. My husband and I decided to wait and tell our happy news until we were sure things were okay. Of course, I shared with my two closest friends and my sister (I was ecstatic, remember), but I didn't even want to tell my parents yet (as much as I love them, they are horrible secret keepers).
August 1... I started having some really bad pains in my stomach and then the bleeding started. I remember my throat felt like it was closing up. I looked at David with teary eyes and asked him what to do. It was a Sunday, so I called the on call midwife at my doctor's office and she met us at the hospital. They did an ultrasound and some other blood tests, but didn't offer me any comfort. They said it could be an ectopic pregnancy (meaning I was pregnant, but not in the right place, and they'd have to terminate the pregnancy because I nor the fetus could survive), early signs of a miscarriage, or a subchorionic hemorrhage (SCH- a bleed where the baby implanted itself... which they told me could have varied outcomes). I was told to take it easy and we'd wait and see.
During the week of more testing, I broke down and told my mom and dad. I needed my mommy! She went to the doctor's office for all the blood work with me and she was the first person who saw my baby's heartbeat (on ultrasound). We concluded that I had a SCH and that it was small enough it should heal on its own.
But wasn't until my 8 week check up that I was assured things would be okay, we had seen the heartbeat via ultrasound and heard it via doppler,..We had a BABY! :) The SCH had pretty much healed, and I was on my way to a completely normal pregnancy (until the end with all that BP mess!). I still didn't want to share my pregnancy news with anyone until well after the 12 week mark, but after my parents knew, the secret was pretty much out. I waited until our 19 week appointment when David and I saw our little GIRL on the 3-d ultrasound to share the news with the entire world (aka Facebook).
Now looking back, those few weeks, as stressful as they were, were just another thing to prepare me for motherhood. They also showed me how precious the gift of life is, and to truly be thankful for this miracle. However, for my friends who now have heavy hearts from their "what might of been.." I can't say I understand... I have my sweet little girl, but I know a fragment of the fear they faced and I can't imagine the burden laid on their hearts. It's easy for people who haven't been there to say "it's God's plan" or for doctors to say "this is natures way of dealing with an unhealthy pregnancy" but it's not their bodies. I don't doubt that either of these things are true, but it's still so much easier for someone else to say, because they are not having to deal with it. For each woman even, I think the loss, the emotions it brings, its magnitude is different. I am sure both of my friends will make awesome mothers one day. I'm sure they will be blessed with a beautiful family. But I realize that I can't feel what is going on in their shoes, and truthfully the best words I can offer them are "I'm so sorry," and "I'm praying for you."
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