Big Dreams

When I started this little blog, it was really just a way to record memories of my little girl's milestones.  I never dreamed when I wrote the first blog post that a few months later I'd be announcing our second {unplanned} addition.  And really, this just became a place to get my thoughts out of my head.  I've often thought about my internal thoughts as a burden, because I worry and overthink, and writing about that helps me.  I share that with others, because maybe their thoughts weigh them down too.

Friday, our big girl was excitedly telling me all about her life's goals.  She's dreamed of becoming an engineer for a while now.  To add to that though, she told me she wanted at least 4-5 kids and she wanted to write Bible studies.  She wouldn't charge me for her studies, so I could use them with my ladies group.  Sweet, right? :) 

As she eagerly told me these dreams, I was seriously impressed that my 10 year old had thought of all the details she had planned, but I candidly told her, maybe sometimes the dreams she has might not be the ones God has planned for her.

I have always had big dreams, but somewhere along the way, I became a very practical person.  I love kids and I love being a teacher, but part of the reason I decided to become a teacher was in the very rural community I grew up in, I knew I'd be able to find a job.  I honestly feel ill equipped to be a teacher at times, because school was really easy for me.  I didn't have to grapple or work hard and I worry that I will never reach all my students because of that.  However, because I did love school so much, I'm always excited to make school their safe place, a place where learning is fun, and learn new ways to help all my students. My mom was a really amazing teacher, and I'm happy I get to follow in her {impossible to fill} footsteps. 

I sometimes wonder if I should have dreams outside the four walls of my classroom, but today I was driving home from church and I thought about the students who sit down in my classroom this year.  I'm certain that I was meant to learn something from them.  And hopefully teach them a few things too.  When I went home in June, I fully anticipated going back into my 3rd grade classroom.  In mid June, it looked like I would teach a 1st and 2nd grade combination class.  In August, I was given the news it could be Kinder/1st or maybe a 2nd/3rd.  I took a deep breath, and said, "I would really like the 2/3." And just so happened that stuck.  To all my teacher friends who have tackled any combination class, you're educational rockstars, because it's hard work. I'm constantly chasing my tail, just like Millie girl. But I'm certain that this was His plan.

Was it mine? Not really.  But of course, being a stepmother, having the girls 13 months apart, moving my girls during their elementary school years, tackling every grade from kindergarten to 5th weren't either. If my girl doesn't become an engineer, it'll be okay.  If she asks me to order the Bible studies she writes from Amazon, I will ;) I just hope to instill in her that big dreams are wonderful.  Following the Lord's calling might pull us away from those dreams a bit. It might seem practical, it might be scary, it might be something we aren't really qualified for, but it really might be just where we are meant to be. 

A Personal Relationship

A few years ago, when my girls were tiny, my mom invited me to a women's fellowship gathering at her church.  I left the girls with grandpa, put on a long dress (which was the expectation at the time), and kind of groaned inside. Women's ministry events were not my passion.  If I'm at all honest, it is because I was floundering in my walk with Jesus.  We weren't in church.  Not entirely because I didn't want to be, but the girls were a lot, I didn't want to leave them in a nursery at a place where I didn't know everyone. I was a little jealous of a lot of the girls I grew up with, surrounded by their families for support and having the same ladies in the nursery to watch their children that watched many of us when we were little.  My heart wasn't in the best place.

But I still remember that Saturday.  I remember the lady standing up there and talking with us.  I don't remember exactly what she said, but it was at that exact moment God placed a seed in my heart.  I needed sisters (not just my incredible biological one) to love and support my faith walk.  I needed to, in turn, encourage and love them in theirs.  

It took a fun week at a local VBS at my teacher bestie's church to nudge us to finding our own church.  Our church made it easy to get involved and I quickly was able to volunteer in the preschool ministry that my girls were a part of.  I joined a ladies small group and we had fun together.  Yes, we prayed and studied the Bible, but we did a Color Run, an escape room, picnic, it made learning together fun.  When we moved, we moved within an easy drive of our church, but during the week small group was a little bit too far.  I joined an online small group in the fall of 2019.  I went to one Zoom meeting.  I didn't like it.  It felt weird and impersonal.  Well, God had plans to teach me all about that too..ha!

Last summer, I had the opportunity to lead a teacher Bible study online (yay, Covid!), and that seed God planted in my heart to cultivate real friendships with other believers began to bloom.  I'll probably never stand on a stage and speak to a group like the lady did at that ministry event.  I'm an okay public speaker thanks to countless Gold Card award evenings (North Moore High School did a great job producing well-rounded graduates), but I get splotchy and nervous in my old age.  I wish I was great at sitting down and reading my Bible every day, but I'm not.  I wish my faith was always strong, but it isn't.  I have learned that having this sisterhood isn't a requirement for salvation, but it makes my journey way more sweet.  Iron sharpens iron.  I hope that as much as a I get from our weekly readings and meetings, the sweet women I meet with do too.

In the winter when I was choosing a book, I prayed that God would lead and guide our group.  I came across a book that we could read together, and that the author was in the process of publishing a kid version of the book.  I knew that many in our group had little girls and these books were written especially for women/girls. We read through our grown up book by March and I went ahead and bought the girl version.  This summer has allowed my girls and some of their closest buddies to read and learn together too.

Y'all when I was their age, I saw faith and loving Jesus as something very formal.  Dresses, lacy socks, church, organs, pews, hymnals.  While these were wonderful and meaningful parts of my testimony, I do not want my girls to have a formal relationship with their savior.  I want it to be a personal relationship.  I talk to God in my car, I read my Bible from an app, I listen to worship music on my morning runs. I get it wrong a lot, but because my relationship is personal and not formal, I can acknowledge my failures.  I know Jesus already paid my price.  His mercies are new every morning.

At the end of the day, my testimony isn't glamorous and I fall short so many times.  I hope that my children see that and know it's okay.  That God doesn't expect perfect, just good and faithful servants. If you don't have a church or a friend that supports you in your faith walk, my prayer is that you find those and know you have a friend in me.  If you need some recommendations on studies or books, I have a small little shelf I can share with you.  I'm grateful God plants seeds in us and I'm so thankful for that personal relationship with Christ.

All My Fears

My prison turns to ruin when Your love moves in.

I hummed these lyrics today, over and over.  Turns out these words were on my heart for a reason.

These times we're living in, they're full of a lot of unknown.  I have candidly admitted a lot of my shortcomings to myself and my small group ladies lately. I know that I worry.  I know that I put a lot of pressure on myself.  I have always told others that I'm replaceable at work (that's one of the things I remember telling a coworker before we listed our home and were planning on moving).  There will be other teachers to take my place, and they'll be great. Now at home, I'd like to think I'm a little more irreplaceable, but after telling my youngest she was being an idiot this morning, I doubt I will be winning mother of the year anytime soon either.

So, back to the unknown.  I like to think I have some control over things.  Outcomes and data are something we are forced to look as teachers.  I want to do things within my classroom to encourage positive outcomes. I want to love people and them to see God's light through that love. I just want to promote peace and harmony and I'd probably drive a VW van cross country living that hippie life had I been born in a different time.

Well, my fears this year are brought to the forefront every time the phone rings.  Today I got the dreaded call that we will be learning at home for two weeks, and you know, there's nothing I can do about it.  And His love filled my heart and I didn't cry (a month ago I might have).  I didn't get angry, because I knew we can handle it.  I'm not thrilled.  No teacher ever went to school to impact the lives of children to do so through a screen. Or on a hybrid schedule.  But we've been given the unique opportunity to teach students EXACTLY where they are physically and that's actually pretty awesome. 

On the flip side, our family has been facing some personal uncertainty and I've been mostly at peace about it until lately.  When the sand in the hourglass is running out, I guess that's where your true judge of character is.  Those lyrics came back today and I thought about the context of the song.  It compares our fears to walls of Jericho.  You know, Joshua and his army didn't bomb the city.  They followed God's orders. They marched around the city.  God brought those walls down.  So what does He command of us in today's time? In John 13:34 Jesus commands us to love one another just as he loved us.

So, love your family, love your friends, love your students, love your neighbors.... I'm not saying I've got remote teaching down pat.  I'm not saying I'm completely at peace with the uncertainty we are facing.  I'm just saying Jesus didn't let the world get in the way of sharing the love and we can't either.  When I'm less focused on me and more focused on others, that's when I feel most at peace and closest to God.  I'm still very humbly human, but I'm going to love my way through all my fears.