There's a country song for that...

Growing up with clogging shoes and banjo riffs, my country roots are strong.  Throughout my life, I have always heard a country song playing the soundtrack playing in the background. I swear for every memorable moment there's a country song for that.

I called my sister yesterday and before I even said hello, I belted the lyrics to the Travis Tritt song "I'm a Member of a Country Club." Ironically, I didn't mean just my love for my country music, but my husband's love for golf has actually made us country club members.  I'm not convinced we're country club material, but this summer I will be taking advantage of it by sitting poolside, I'm sure.

When I hear the first notes of "It Won't Be Like This for Long," I tear up and secretly curse Darius Rucker for singing such harsh realities into what is my daily life.  I honestly can't remember the dirty diapers pilling up, the staying up all night with my refluxing baby, or hushing the screams of a colicky infant.  I'm still peeling off a clingy toddler at preschool, but it's true, it really won't be like this for long.  I've already seen how true those words are.

My ringtone when David calls is "God Gave Me You" and while I first heard the song on KLove, it's Blake Shelton serenading me when my husband rings.  Our marriage has been a crazy roller coaster ride the past 5 years, and having two babies within the first 3 years was life changing.  I'm forever thankful that God sent me a mate that compliments me so well and that I have someone that brings out the best in me, makes me laugh, believes in me, stands up to my stubbornness, and makes this journey so much more worthwhile.  

I can sing Mel McDaniel when the babies are wearing their blue jeans, or Taylor Swift when they're acting all "Mean."  Truly, there's always been a country song for whatever moment, silly or serious, happy or sad, that life brings.

Training Wheels

We've been talking about getting our three year old her first bike for Christmas.  It's probably time; she's big enough, her brother had one at this age. Still, I hesitate a bit. Partly because if we buy one little princess something, we either have to buy 2 OR expect them to share... And well, both of those prospects make me want to pull my hair or gouge my eyes out. Watching the two play on the concrete cul de sac we call their play space grates my nerves and requires extra large glasses of wine in the evening to relax.

I still remember when my daddy took of my bike's training wheels.  I was just a couple years older than Reagan and Anna, and I had a huge grassy backyard to crash into. I wobbled, and held my foot on the break so I didn't coast too fast, and I very much wanted to look back and see how far my dad's safe hands were.  As the girls grow bigger, I'm learning to let go and watch them explore.  It's hard.  I don't want to see their skinned up knees or bruises I think I could prevent.  But you know, most of the time, they are more than okay, and exceed my expectations for what they're truly capable of.

A few weeks ago, Anna counted to 15 by herself.  I didn't even know she could count to five alone.  Her sister manipulates nearly all conversations we have, and Anna rarely has the opportunity to share what she knows. Without the safety net of her sister's constant chatter, Anna proved that she, in her own right, has a lot going on and to say herself.  Reagan swears by the time she's four she will sleep alone in her big bed, but for now until then, she will happily stretch her lanky self between her daddy and I.  Luckily we have a king sized bed, because a lot of nights three sets of little feet pitter patter into our room.

I guess in life there are lots of "training wheels."  I think back on my mentor teacher, Mrs. Hall, who taught third grade forever and did her best to guide me through my student teaching experience.  While she had experience and knowledge, student teaching did not do the best job of preparing me for the real world of teaching.  I never wanted to quit student teaching.  I'm pretty sure I wanted to quit every other day my first year.  I'm thankful to Kerry for trusting me to nanny her two little girls for several years. And while I love them and always spoiled them, it probably could never prepare me for how much I would love my own little ones & how 24/7 motherhood was even more exhausting than summers with Jordyn and Chrissy. I guess Reagan is probably ready for her big girl bike.  Because after all, her stabilizers (Peppa Pig talk for training wheels), aren't the real thing.  It's her dad's and my job to do our best to prepare her for the reality of life without training wheels, who knows, when the day comes, maybe we will do it in my childhood grassy backyard.

Staying home?

Two months a year I get to pretend I'm a stay at home mom, and during the past three summers I've discovered one thing for certain.  I hate staying home.  It's not that I don't love being with my girls, but I find being home harder than being elsewhere. They bicker and argue, I get distracted by organizing their closet or cleaning out the garage, and we don't make any fun memories like those I've pinned on Pinterest.  So, before summer even began, I drafted a calendar of something to do most of the 5 weekdays.  It's not a strict schedule, but when in doubt, we consult my calendar and we know what kind of fun is out there today.

For Anna's birthday I bought Summer Passes to the Children's Museum of Winston-Salem.  It's been the best $60 I've ever spent.  The museum has different activities every day from concerts to stories and crafts, even my 9 year old has fun.  Having passes has allowed us to go for just a couple hours at a time without me feeling like we need to try to get everything in.  When it's hot and humid or cloudy and rainy, it's so nice to have the option to stay inside somewhere!


Another fun spot is the Sprayground at Keeley Park.  It's a little far out for us, but for a special trip every couple weeks that's free other than the gas to get there, it's completely worth it!  The girls love the "splash splash" and I love being able to get them outside.  We pack our lunch, get there early, and enjoy the sunshine.  Another perk for me: after enjoying the water for a few hours, a joint naptime is likely to ensue.

Reagan has a huge fear of most animals, but especially four legged ones.  I blame our neighbor's dog, but I don't really know where the fear came from.  However, it is real and it is fierce.  She's even scared of our other neighbor's tiny furball dog.  So, I wanted to take the girls somewhere they could get up close and personal with some animals.  Naturally this would occur on the hottest day of the summer, but I took all three littles to tour Homeland Creamery in Julian.  They all loved the hayride and especially the ice cream afterwards.  We learned a lot about dairy cows & farm life.  It made me miss calling the middle of nowhere home.  When it cools off we may go do it again, just to get a better look at the cows, who seem to dislike the summer heat as much as me!


We also do storytime at the library, playdates with friends at the park, shopping at the farmer's market, and going to visit daddy at work.  The robots there are super cool!   Honestly I'm up for anything to stay busy and occasionally finding some adults to interact with during the day.  We are really enjoying our summer full of "field trips" as Brent told the dentist the other day.  I absolutely love being home with my kiddos, even when we're not at home.

MILF {Moms I'd like to Friend}

I have a great group of mommy friends that I met through an online birth board/forum when I was home on maternity leave with Anna.  If it weren't for this group of ladies, I'm pretty sure I would have felt completely isolated.  Being home with a 1 year old and a newborn was hard work.  Unlike anything I could have ever prepared myself for.  I had a lot of anxiety after Reagan was born and didn't know it wasn't supposed to be like that, until I brought Anna home and I didn't have any of those feelings.  I'm pretty sure my "virtual" friends kept me sane.

I've been thinking about how my children make friends.  We have been home on summer break for a couple weeks, and I've watched my girls interact with other kids at the park, at the children's museum, and at storytime at the library.  I've taken a step back from their sides (I have a whole other post for another day about being a "lazy mom"), and allowed them the freedom to make choices without my hand in theirs.  I, sometimes, tend to hover, and it turns out, they don't need me to!  I know, my jaw dropped too.  The thing with children is, they don't know strangers when it comes to people their own size.  If they want to make donuts at the the pretend doughnut factory, then they jump right beside the next kid, put on a hat and start playing.  If they want to compliment someone on how high they swing, they do it.  If they need to borrow the glue stick from the little boy in the chair beside them, they take it.... So, their communication skills could be tweaked, but when a kid sees and opportunity they take it.

I'm not sure when this ends.  When it stops being socially acceptable to befriend someone you just met.  Perhaps its because we live in a society where you don't know who's a total psycho or not.  Maybe we're too busy to even notice potential friends.  But when thinking about thy type of mom (or anyone for that matter), I would like to friend.  I think about my virtual mommies, who are probably some of the best ladies I know, and I do consider some of my closest friends.  Who else would I complain about how the daycare fed the kids corn all week and now I'm up to my elbows in poopy diapers or celebrate with when my child successfully put herself to sleep for her nap?

In real life though, it's more complicated.  We were buying Reagan lots of big girl panties at Target the other day. She hasn't had an accident in a week and is COMPLETELY done with pullups!  It's weird just having one child in diapers.  A mom stopped me with plastic pants and wanted to know if I had tried them.  After explaining the clean up process (they can't be dried, they're just plastic on the inside, cotton on the outside-- ICK), I told her we just did, big girl panties with a pullup over it.  It did the same thing, but easier clean up. She laughed at my description of my laziness and dealing with messes, if anything, I'm just a lay it all out there kinda girl, and agreed messes weren't her thing either.  She was going to try my panty + pullup method.  I liked her a lot.  First and foremost, she talked to me out of nowhere, and she really wanted to listen.  But that was that.  A lot like my kids' meetings with "friends."  However, Target mom, you're a mommy I could totally be friends with.

I had all three littles at the library and the park last week, and we met a sweet couple with their grandkids.  We made the same rounds.  The park and the library are next door, and I guess it was a good idea to combine both into the same morning.  The grandmother was really sweet and talked to me a really long time about fun things to do, about the girls, and about her granddaughters.  I love grandmothers.  They don't usually have a smartphone in their hands, they genuinely want to engage with actual people.  I've learned to put my phone away more and enjoy the moment.  I do love catching a snapshot of our day and my camera on my phone is the easiest way to do it, but I only have two hands, and I have two small girls who seem to run in different directions.  ALL of me is needed to keep up with them. Being unplugged is liberating.  We have more fun when I'm not scrolling Facebook and Instagram.  Not saying I don't do it, but I make the effort when we are out together or the girls are awake and playing, to put the phone down.  Sweet grandmother at the park, thanks for the reminder you didn't even know you were giving me.

I've watched other moms.  The ones with perfect hair and manicured nails dropping their kids off at daycare.  The ones at gymnastics that cheer their kid on like they're an Olympian.  The ones that drive the carpool to the soccer games.  The ones at restaurants with the beautiful toddlers completely smocked out perfectly eating in the highchair.  I'm not sure I could be friends with them.  I'm certainly not on their level.  There are days when I want to scream.  Nothing goes right.  I can't compete with the supermoms.  I'm a mom living in chaos.  I don't pretend it's all unicorns and rainbows.  It's fingerpaint on the walls and cheerios all over the floor.  If you don't know what I'm talking about, this is exactly what I'm talking about.

In a town where I didn't grow up, where I moved and worked two counties away, it was easy to not branch out of my shell.  But once I did "settle" in, I somehow had two babies and now it feels downright impossible. I'm thankful for wonderful neighbors, great coworkers, and my peeps from college and home that I call my friends, but a little jealous that my toddlers have it all figured out.  They can make friends anywhere!

Testing...1.2.3.

So I read a teacher blog about how to keep your self occupied while actively monitoring a standardized test and reposted it jokingly on my Facebook page over the weekend.  My fourth graders took their EOG (end of grade) tests this week and walking around the room left me with lots of time to think.  I did think of a couple compelling "Would you rather..." questions.  You know, like would you rather have no teeth or no toes?  Would you rather give birth to a buffalo or have all your food taste like cooked cabbage?  Would you rather proctor a standardized test or go to the gynecologist?

In all seriousness, I have sat where my students sat before.  Since I was in the third grade, I too took the EOGs.  I had flashbacks of the pilot test I took as a nine year old.  It obviously didn't take off, because people still look at me like I'm crazy when I mention that we had a math, science, reading, and social studies test that year with open ended responses.  I remember in sixth grade, I wore a brand new outfit.  It was purple plaid shorts with a purple shirt with a flower printed on it in the same hideous plaid print.  Go ahead, think I'm weird for remembering it.  I remember the purple was the exact same shade of purple of my test booklet, and my teacher said she was sure it meant I was going to do well.  I insisted my mom find me something in the same shade to wear the next day too.  Doing my best wasn't good enough, I wanted to do the best.  It's something about about a tiny school, when you've known ALL your 30 classmates since kindergarten, and you're already crazy competitive anyway.  My parents didn't push me to be like that, I just was born that way.  Luckily somewhere between high school, college, teaching underprivileged kids, and parenthood I chilled out a lot.

This week, for the first time in four years, I was a test administrator to a classroom full of children I have been responsible for for the entire school year.  I watched some rush, I watched some work every single digit, I watched them go back find the answer, number paragraphs, scribble out bubbles, break pencil lead, and pull their layered clothes back on.  I watched their faces show relief when they turned in their books and I announced the end of the testing session.  I honestly have no idea if they did great or not, and fortunately I don't see this test as a competition.  I hope to goodness my babies did their best, but no matter their scores, this one test does not define their fourth grade year nor does it say everything there is to say about me as a teacher.

My little man took his first EOGs this week as well.  I am a little anxious as I await his arrival home (his schedule puts him at our house on Tuesdays and Wednesdays during the week) to see how he feels about this experience.  I already have a pang of nervousness for my little bitty girls who one day will be set the task of bubbling in the best answers.  I thought after MClass and Dibles training last year that that was stressful (I went home and tried to teach Reagan, who at two thought I was nuts, all the sounds she heard in the word man "m-a-n" what sound do you hear at the beginning of man?).  And don't even mention kindergarten screening. We will be working on writing our name this summer!  Poor teachers' kids never get a break.  I've been there too.  However, my free spirited girls one of whom is currently only wearing a tutu over a pull up and a princess crown are not worried in the least.  What they know for a test or a screening or an assessment does not encompass them as a whole.  They are completely multifaceted human beings even at only two and three.

I have seen testing from all sides.  I've seen it as a student.  Thankfully, one that tests pretty well.  I've seen it as a teacher.  One with students who could barely read, who didn't know where their next meal would be from, whose first language was not English and on the flip side from students who come from loving, supportive homes.  I'm slowly starting to see it from a mommy perspective as well.  I do see it as a necessary evil, not even evil, but as something we don't love but we have to do, like paying taxes and going to the dentist.  Seeing data on my school babies is incredibly important, and it is helpful knowing what I need to teach more thoroughly.  There's no room for growth without some kind of baseline. It has just been a long couple days.  Talking is kind of one of my favorite hobbies and not being able to interact with my students normally, especially when they seemed worried or stressed was tough!  We are counting down until summer; just 8 more days left!  My school babies and my own are very excited.

Best of Everything

I'm so tired.  I'm pretty sure I fell asleep before my head reached my pillow last night.  David swears I was mean to Reagan.  She was begging me to cuddle with her, and in my tired stupor, he said I just kept saying, "Don't touch me.  Leave me alone."  Hey, sometimes I just need some personal space!

Today was Anna's second birthday.  Twenty four months of pure craziness and exhaustion.  When I went back to work when Anna was just 3 months old, I had no idea how tired I would be. Having one baby was tough, transitioning to two was something I was not really prepared for.  Hats off to people who do it more than that! Two babies within 13.5 months of one another cured my baby fever.  Fovever.

When Reagan was just a couple months old, I remember looking at her toothy grin and wanting to just be able to bottle that moment for another day.  Her little bald head, her coos that only an infant could make, and the exclusiveness of the relationship I had with her then (I had just found out we were expecting #2 and I was more than overwhelmed and feeling incredibly guilty).  

Since Anna's arrival, it's like my life has finally clicked.  Despite the chaos, it's like this is what I was meant to do.  I like the balancing act of motherhood and school, even though I haven't quite managed to have much of a personal or social life.  I realized recently that I haven't had a haircut since Spring Break...of last year.  Eeek!  

Having two small kids is expensive and that was our biggest concern when we were trying to figure out the big picture when those two little lines appeared.  I wish I could say we were instantly happy.  I instantly wanted to throw up, and I didn't have morning sickness with Anna at all.  I was terrified.  Somehow, God has provided for our family.  We don't have everything we'd like, but we certainly have everything we need.  When I look at my little girls, their adoring daddy, and their loving big brother, I'm fully content.  The fact that we have quality childcare, reliable transportation, & balanced meals on our table are something I don't take for granted and am truly grateful for.  

Last night, I slept better than I had in recent weeks.  I'll take that as a thanks from my newly turned two year old for being such an awesome momma.  At two, she still wakes up at least once a night and will not go back to sleep without some mommy snuggles.This evening after our romp in the backyard and devouring pizza & cookie cake, I plopped the girls in the tub, hopped in the shower and hoped to get us all in and out quickly.  Unfortunately, at least for my desire to shower in solitude, I saw Anna's leg over the side of the bathtub trying to escape.  So, with the shampoo still in my hair, I dashed out of the shower, and when I got back in, I had two pint sized guests. Instead of sighing heavily thinking about how I never get any time alone, I looked at my two blue eyed princesses and thought about those bottled moments.  This was another time I would love to keep again for another day.  Sweet little giggly girls who just want to hang out with their mommy.  That won't always be the case.  Reagan won't always want her "hair-do" to be a "mommy bun" and Anna won't always need me to soothe away the night time boogie man.  So, while it's exhausting, it's probably the most fun work I'll ever get to do.  

I was flipping through old pictures today, scanning this day in my social media history via Timehop and I found this quote I shared last year this time.  "The happiest people don't have the best of everything, they just make the best of everything."  I have always been an optimist, and certainly I don't really have many burdens in my life, but we definitely have had to make sacrifices the past few years.  I'm a little sentimental too, which rarely happens anymore, something about my second child has left me little time to get sappy. Often though, I see families whose lifestyles are much more lavish than ours.  I used to be a bit envious.  But once I started looking in and not out, I realized that my happy isn't found in stuff.  It's found in the moments I'd like to relive over and over again. 

May Days

Usually by May my teacher self is screaming "Mayday! Mayday!"  I'm tired.  I'm kinda tired of my kids.  Don't get me wrong, I love my students.  But they are currently blossoming into the fifth graders, and you know, I'm not cut out to teach fifth grade.  When I taught K, I felt the same about my kinder-babies.  I had them reading and writing, and they weren't as little and tiny as they once were, they were ready for first grade, and I was ready for...well, let's be honest, SUMMER!

When I turned the calendar this morning in the kitchen, I was hit with something I wasn't quite prepared for.  You see, May is the month of my baby's birthday.  My BABY is going to be two.  How the heck did that happen?  I still see her as a little baby.  I saw the pictures of her first birthday plastered across the page and instantly I felt a little pang in my heart.  It's hard to believe my youngest is going to be two.  Somehow, I'm getting old.

Which brings me back to May.  Historically, in my 29 year history at least, May has been an eventful month.  It's the month I graduated high school & college, the month I accepted my first job, the month David & I pretty much made all the important decisions about our nuptials.  In 2003, it was one of the most up and down months of my entire life.  I had hurt my knee playing soccer and my parents had decided to schedule my surgery right in the middle of senior week, so I'd be laid up with my leg in a cast while my friends celebrated post-graduation by tanning and partying.  I'd come to terms with this, as most of my friends were boys, and doubtfully my parents would let me spend a night, let alone a week, with my closet friends of the opposite sex away from home.  The night of our baccalaureate service, May 18, I was limping around getting my cap and gown together.  I had to speak at the service briefly as I represented my peers as class president.  The phone rang.  I answered it, curling iron in hand.  On the other end was my boyfriend and one of my closest friends in general.  Just for reference, we didn't have caller id on the line I answered, it was a rotary phone in fact.  I'm not sure why it matters, but I had no idea who was on the other end of the phone when I answered it.  I just heard breathing.  Finally, he said kinda all in one breath, "Therewasacaraccident.  Devin and Alisha didn't make it."  I was lost.  My circle of friends who shared a lunch table, Chris, Travis, Devin, Shandy, Glenn and me, one didn't make it?  My chest is still tight just thinking about that conversation, that night in general.  The other details are blurred, but those next two weeks as we prepared for graduation were so hard.

My mom had left for a multi-night field trip with her fourth grade class, my sister was around, but I vaguely remember.  My dad held my hand as we attended Devin and her sister's visitation, her funeral, and the Board of Education meeting where I was being recognized for something (I honestly don't remember what, he just said I had to go).  My high school English teacher hugged me at that meeting as we prayed for my friend's parents, who in one instant, lost their entire family.  I still remember that warm hug (that sense of comfort is one I try to pass on to my students when they feel lost, hurt or sad too). So, this morning when I turned my calendar to the month of May, I thought of my friend, I thought of her mom and dad, I saw the faces of my little girls and cannot imagine the hole in their hearts.  I still remember May 23 when I sat on the stage and looked at my classmates, saw the chair skipped with the green gown draped over the backrest limply, my friend should have been right there, proudly wearing her gown.  I miss my lunch bunch friends, we are scattered about with busy lives. I have what might of been questions from time to time, but more so in May.

Last year on the 18th, we celebrated Anna's birthday.  It was so nice for me, 10 years later, to have something happy to associate that day with.    As much as I'm looking forward to summer, to spending time with my girls, and just having some time off to breathe, I'm grateful for the here and now, there's no guarantees for tomorrow.  This month serves as a big reminder of that to me.  So as my patience grows shorter, my prayers grow longer, and I do my best to remember my sweet friend and live this life to the fullest.