May Days

Usually by May my teacher self is screaming "Mayday! Mayday!"  I'm tired.  I'm kinda tired of my kids.  Don't get me wrong, I love my students.  But they are currently blossoming into the fifth graders, and you know, I'm not cut out to teach fifth grade.  When I taught K, I felt the same about my kinder-babies.  I had them reading and writing, and they weren't as little and tiny as they once were, they were ready for first grade, and I was ready for...well, let's be honest, SUMMER!

When I turned the calendar this morning in the kitchen, I was hit with something I wasn't quite prepared for.  You see, May is the month of my baby's birthday.  My BABY is going to be two.  How the heck did that happen?  I still see her as a little baby.  I saw the pictures of her first birthday plastered across the page and instantly I felt a little pang in my heart.  It's hard to believe my youngest is going to be two.  Somehow, I'm getting old.

Which brings me back to May.  Historically, in my 29 year history at least, May has been an eventful month.  It's the month I graduated high school & college, the month I accepted my first job, the month David & I pretty much made all the important decisions about our nuptials.  In 2003, it was one of the most up and down months of my entire life.  I had hurt my knee playing soccer and my parents had decided to schedule my surgery right in the middle of senior week, so I'd be laid up with my leg in a cast while my friends celebrated post-graduation by tanning and partying.  I'd come to terms with this, as most of my friends were boys, and doubtfully my parents would let me spend a night, let alone a week, with my closet friends of the opposite sex away from home.  The night of our baccalaureate service, May 18, I was limping around getting my cap and gown together.  I had to speak at the service briefly as I represented my peers as class president.  The phone rang.  I answered it, curling iron in hand.  On the other end was my boyfriend and one of my closest friends in general.  Just for reference, we didn't have caller id on the line I answered, it was a rotary phone in fact.  I'm not sure why it matters, but I had no idea who was on the other end of the phone when I answered it.  I just heard breathing.  Finally, he said kinda all in one breath, "Therewasacaraccident.  Devin and Alisha didn't make it."  I was lost.  My circle of friends who shared a lunch table, Chris, Travis, Devin, Shandy, Glenn and me, one didn't make it?  My chest is still tight just thinking about that conversation, that night in general.  The other details are blurred, but those next two weeks as we prepared for graduation were so hard.

My mom had left for a multi-night field trip with her fourth grade class, my sister was around, but I vaguely remember.  My dad held my hand as we attended Devin and her sister's visitation, her funeral, and the Board of Education meeting where I was being recognized for something (I honestly don't remember what, he just said I had to go).  My high school English teacher hugged me at that meeting as we prayed for my friend's parents, who in one instant, lost their entire family.  I still remember that warm hug (that sense of comfort is one I try to pass on to my students when they feel lost, hurt or sad too). So, this morning when I turned my calendar to the month of May, I thought of my friend, I thought of her mom and dad, I saw the faces of my little girls and cannot imagine the hole in their hearts.  I still remember May 23 when I sat on the stage and looked at my classmates, saw the chair skipped with the green gown draped over the backrest limply, my friend should have been right there, proudly wearing her gown.  I miss my lunch bunch friends, we are scattered about with busy lives. I have what might of been questions from time to time, but more so in May.

Last year on the 18th, we celebrated Anna's birthday.  It was so nice for me, 10 years later, to have something happy to associate that day with.    As much as I'm looking forward to summer, to spending time with my girls, and just having some time off to breathe, I'm grateful for the here and now, there's no guarantees for tomorrow.  This month serves as a big reminder of that to me.  So as my patience grows shorter, my prayers grow longer, and I do my best to remember my sweet friend and live this life to the fullest.